Suck-Fans: How to Identify and Avoid the Super-Fans That Ruin Stuff for Everyone ElSE

This piece was inspired when a Great British Bake Off contestant was bullied for reaching the finals. So here’s a PSA about the masochists who feel the need to attack the most wholesome thing on TV since The Care Bares.  Enjoy. 

Suck-Fan - (noun) -  A person who claims to love something while simultaneously sucking the fun out of it for the people around them. 

Relationships with Suck-Fans almost sound like they can be abusive, don’t they? That’s because they are. Know how to identify the different types of Suck-Fans because you or someone you love may be at risk.

1. The ex-fan who still thinks they’re a fan: If you know someone hates literally everything that’s happened to Star Wars since the second one was released in 1980, then I’ve got news for them: they’re not a fan. They just liked a movie. That’s like saying “I had a bus ride where nobody was masterbating in the seat in front of me, so now I’m a fan of buses.” I’m not. I just had a pleasant experience that one time. When this person insists they know how an artist should cater their project to fit their needs, then gently suggest they write a fan fic. Pro tip: if they make at least 80% of it sexual, then they might just get a book and movie deal out of it!
2. The “Please Clap For Me” Fan - These individuals are unaware that they too are not actually ‘fans’ so much as they’re just waiting for someone to say ‘I’m proud of you’ for the first time. They’re looped into the ‘fan’ category because, like the parents whose basement they still live in; Nobody knows what to do with them. These are the folks that must be ‘first’ to comment, ‘first’ in line, ‘first’ to hear about a band ‘before it became mainstream and they started hating it’. Ironically enough they’re also the last people to realize their friends don’t ask them to hang out any more. 
3. The “I’ve got something to prove, but I don’t know what it is” fan: The last time this person’s Fan Club presidency title was challenged it inspired George R. R. Martin to write Game of Thrones.  This person will do whatever it takes to defend their meaningless title, even murder. Whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat DO NOT, indicate in any way that you’re a bigger fan than this killer of people and ‘the fun time you were just having’. Doing so runs the risk of you being chopped up into little pieces, stuffed into garbage bags, and ditched in various trash cans across the city, so on a map it makes a picture of a hot pocket. Seriously, if there’s two things these people lack, it's sanity and money because they’ve spent it all on all that memorabilia they need, but don’t need, but need. 

In summary: Be safe. Know the signs. Enjoy stuff responsibly. Don’t be a Suck-Fan.