Know The Warning Signs: Is The Guy You’re Dating a Pokemon?

     Are you ready to commit? Taking the next step in any relationship can be scary. Before saying "I choose you", ask yourself if it's because you really love him, or if it's just because he was given to you by some old guy named after a tree. 

1) Does he like going to the gym to pick fights?

Although going to the gym is a natural and healthy habit for your boyfriend to have, going for the sake of picking fights to win glorified flair is a strong indicator that he’s actually a Pokemon. ​

2) Is his best friend an 11-year-old boy who never ages?

This should be a big red flag even if your boyfriend is not a Pokemon. Why is he hanging out with children!? Are they his kids? In which case you need to be asking an entirely different set of questions. ​

3) Is his apartment a Pokeball?

Check that doorbell. When you push it does it go ‘ding-dong’ or does it send a laser into his chest, dissolve him into light-matter, and then suck him inside? If it’s the latter then sorry: you got yourself a pocket monster boyfriend.  Some would argue this is actually handy, however, I would rebuttal with: ‘He’s a fucking animation and he has no sitting room. Move out.” 

4) is he actually some sort of weird seaweed raptor lamp with psychic abilities?

This one should seem more obvious, but I get it: a seaweed raptor lamp with psychic abilities is more appealing than what most of what middle-America has to offer right now. If you’re just so blind with love and can’t tell, then some simple ways to help you figure it out would be checking his diet to see if he only eats Pokemon food, noticing if he randomly glows and grows larger (and not just while you’re having sex), and does he say his name over and over again? If so, is he just self-absorbed, or is he in fact a cartoon monster whose life purpose is to battle its own kind for the entertainment of humans? Either way: you could do better.

If you answered ‘yes’ to one or more of these questions, then I hate to break it to you but your boo is a Pikachu or some other magical creature with a limited vocabulary. If you're still gonna give the relationship the ol' college try then at least request that they keep your relationship on the DL since you’re basically performing some weird form of bestiality....Also, I guess congratulations: you made bestiality weird. My advise? Dump him and then definitely get checked. ​