This weekend I adopted a cat, and I love her to death, but I really wish someone had told me all cat people are a part of a super secret international cult whose mission is feline world domination. Had I known having a cat would make me feel this special I would have stolen my neighbor’s Siamese when I was going through my ‘awkward late 20s’. Now I’m 30, finally in this ridiculous robe, and half my assets are gone. Thank God I have a cat for my anxiety.
Honestly, I should have paid closer attention to the adoption papers I signed. I remember reading the parts about being financially responsible for the pet; but I totally glossed over the bit where I vow eternal loyalty as a Meowmber of the Catelite. Egg. On my face.
I mean, it all makes sense now: the mugs, the prints, the ‘my cat and I talk shit’ memes. It’s all adorably disguised subliminal messaging showing the world who’s really in charge: Some tabby on a throne named ‘Muffins’ who now has my information. I’m here for it, but a heads up would have been nice.
I should have seen it coming from the strange looks my cat-parent friends gave me when I told them I was adopting. It was the same look you get from someone who’s also in ‘Fight Club’. It’s a painful and scary process but you’ll see, by the way your cat sweetly purrs on your lap, that it’s also your life’s only true purpose.
I know I’m taking a big risk writing this, seeing as the last person who tried to publicly out the Cat-Cult Underground was Carol Basquin’s husband. There’s even a chance I may have to change my identity and go into hiding for the rest of my life; but people who are considering adoption deserve to know: If feline-centric-cult-life isn’t for you, maybe consider a dog. Praise be to Muffins.
This piece was inspired when a Great British Bake Off contestant was bullied for reaching the finals. So here’s a PSA about the masochists who feel the need to attack the most wholesome thing on TV since The Care Bares. Enjoy.
Suck-Fan - (noun) - A person who claims to love something while simultaneously sucking the fun out of it for the people around them.
Relationships with Suck-Fans almost sound like they can be abusive, don’t they? That’s because they are. Know how to identify the different types of Suck-Fans because you or someone you love may be at risk.
In summary: Be safe. Know the signs. Enjoy stuff responsibly. Don’t be a Suck-Fan.
In preparation for the newest season of Queer Eye, I talked to the close friends and family members of the Fab 5’s latest client: America.
“U.S.A. is full of so much potential,” Canada said, “She’s got a big heart and we all care about her a lot...But--”
“But bitch needs a makeover,” Mexico interjected. “Have you seen what she’s been wearing for the last few years? Red hats with white lettering? Camo?! It’s unacceptable. ”
The two countries were not alone in nominating their neighbor. Nations from all over the globe had called, emailed, and written into Fab Five for months, begging them to do something about their young friend.
“Frankly, it’s gotten to the point where it’s embarrassing to be around her.,” Germany agreed. “Nobody wants to sit next to her at the Olympics anymore.”
Other close allies from the UN nodded in agreement.
On Saturday, November 7th the news broke that the world’s nomination had been accepted and every nation rejoiced with a collective sigh of relief. (Masks on, of course.) Hope is here and it’s waving a rainbow flag.
“I’ve been anxiously waiting for her to finally move out on her own. She’s been crashing with us for a while and we expected her to be more independent by now” chimed in the Souix Nation. “It’s difficult to put those kinds of expectations on someone who doesn’t even have their own self-care routine in place.”
The countries took me to America’s polling places in late October, showing me the hidden talents of this great country. There I saw ‘Meri show off her freedom of speech, religion, and systemic racism.
“There are some deeply rooted traumas that she’s got to confront. We can’t change who she is as a nation-- only she can do that.” Kanamo explained as Anthony riffled through America’s kitchen in a hazmat suit. “Once that happens it’ll be a matter of establishing those healthy freedoms while letting go of the ones that don’t help her grow as a nation: like assault weapons and OxyContin.”
Getting all the Red, out of America’s wardrobe will be a significant milestone in the healing process, per the Fab 5’s fashion expert, Tan France. “Red by nature is a very aggressive color. It’s strongly connected to anger and sexual energy, which is a good thing, if she was starring in a production of Cabaret.” Tan yelled over his flame thrower as he torched a mountain of ‘MAGA’ t-shirts and wife beaters. “But as a symbol of this nation's leadership, America needs a fresh color that makes her eyes pop while also saying “I’m the free world, I’m sexy and science is real’.”
Russia and North Korea declined to comment.